I realized last night that I have been hiding. I have let my weight keep me from view, so to speak. It can be a bit intimidating to do some of the stuff I have done over the last month, to the point that I have experienced a bit of anxiety. Butterflies, nervousness, nausea.
I should have, but didn't connect that there would be no kickboxing class list night because of the weekend holiday. I drove all the way out to the college and found an empty parking lot. Since I had my gloves, I forced myself to go to the gym with the intention of using one of the classrooms that has boxing bags to do my own version of the class. When I arrived at the gym, I found that a class was going to start shortly. A bit frustrated, I decided to do the rowing machine and time it in the three-minute intervals that we experience in the class. At least I would be getting my heart rate up.
When the class started, I saw that it was kickbox cardio. Oh no. Butterflies, nervousness, nausea. Just start rowing, I told myself. Its not your class and you would be out of your league. Look over the shoulder. Row some more. Look over the shoulder. Butterflies. Could I do it? Surely I couldn't do an hour of cardio at the intensity I saw through the GLASS wall. Row some more. Nervousness, nausea, sweat (because of the rowing). Who wants to see (through the GLASS wall) a 300-pound woman trying to keep up? Like Esther, clearly this was my "for such a time as this" moment. At about 5-7min. into the class, I made myself get up and go in.
Guess what? Through the GLASS wall the whole gym could see that 300-pound woman do 45 minutes of kickbox cardio without letting up! I surprised even myself.
As I considered the event (event, since surely it was groundbreaking), I realized that my fear had more to do with hiding than anything else. Yes, I have done a lot of things that I would not have done at home. Yes, I have put myself out there when no one else but me was making me. But, when I go to the kickboxing class, my sister in law is there. When I go to water aerobics, I can hide in the water (plus the other students are either sweet older ladies or overweight as well). Hiding, its what I have done best for too long. I will probably still try to hide and God will have to prod me into submission, but I think this was the start of a new mentality. No more hiding.
Good for you Joy!
ReplyDeletePeople have many ways of hiding but the good thing is to figure out how you hide and then step out from there. I know that was a terribly hard thing to do, but what freedom we have when we can be who we are in "whatever state we are in!":) What a great journey to freedom! Keep on the road!
Sherri
Hi Joy,
ReplyDeleteYES YOU CAN !!! What a great experience for you & all the whole gym watching through the glass wall...you can do it & you did it.
I read the following:
Every life form seems to strive to its maximum except human beings. How tall will a tree grow? As tall as it possibly can. Human beings, on the other hand, have been given the dignity of choice. You can choose to be all or you can choose to be less. Why not stretch up to the full measure of the challenge and see what all you can do?
You made an incredible choice - your choice- that will have an impact on you for as long as you live. Build on that choice and continue to let God 'prod you into submission' to be all the Joy He wants you to be.
We make choices every day about every thing we do and I am proud of your choice to stop hiding. You are doing an awesome job in U-Turn Town in so many different ways.
Stay strong !!
Mark
ps - 17 pounds of muscle in 4 weeks is crazy good !!